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September 13 The End of DaysPosts in a news group that I belong to made me think about the state of our world and the dangers of doing nothing. Nothing has happened since that time that would make me change my mind. We lost our innocence on 9/11 and like the genie, can not be put back in the bottle.
This was written in September 2002, in response to the predictions of total anarchy, the end of life on Earth and even the end of the Earth itself. People were stockpiling food, clothing, tools, weapons, anything they could imagine needing when they woke up tomorrow to utter destruction. One of the first prophecies of the end times came from Nostradamus and had to do with the Jews going home, which they did a number of years ago. The Middle East has not settled down since. Another of his prophecies had to do with the mark of the beast on the forehead of a world leader, and was interpreted to mean the birthmark on Gorbachev head. Much was written about the bear and the eagle, possibly referring to Russia and the U. S., or perhaps China. Even the book of Revelation in the Christian Bible referred to the end times in graphic detail. More of these prophecies are coming true with each passing day, the end of the world as we know it is more and more certain. Operation Desert Storm brought us closer to the end as did the American declaration of war on terrorism. Iraq is heating up. India and Pakistan are at the ready and both have nuclear weapons, in part, thanks to Canada giving freely of our technology to make nuclear reactors to generate electric power. China is ominously silent. Both nuclear and chemical weapons exist in abundance. The ability to deliver such weapons anywhere in the world is an accepted fact. The attack on the U.S. September 11th last year signaled the end of innocence and freedom as we know it. More and more freedoms are being taken away in the name of safety and the populace is accepting gladly these changes. The world economy is shaken to its very roots. The U.S. economy is heading for a very real, very drastic upheaval as the bills for the aftermath of 9/11 come due. The Japanese economy teeters on the brink. Even here at home, we lose services at a steady rate without making any real dent in the national debt. More of the world’s population slips below the poverty line every day. Starvation is no longer a Third World prerogative. It is happening right here at home. Everywhere there are predictions of dire events, global warming, untreatable disease, floods, droughts, famine, earthquakes, destruction of our environment at an incredible rate, holes in the ozone layer, extinction of more and more species of both plant and animal life before they can even be cataloged. I think it is obvious that if we do not succeed in wiping ourselves off the face of the earth, Gaea will have a flea bath and certainly reduce the number of Earth’s inhabitants drastically. There is truly no way to prepare for what is to come. Because the course of history is cyclic, civilizations rising and falling, going all the way back to the decimation of the dinosaurs, Atlantis, Egypt, Athens, Pompeii, Rome, the Biblical Flood (a version of which exists in all religious histories), the European Dark Ages, the British Empire, the Russian Tsars, and now the USSR, Aztecs, Incas, and the list goes on, Life itself is in an eternal spiral of becoming, such that with every turn of the wheel, civilizations fall, but with something left over to begin again with, I believe our emphasis must be not on saving life, but on saving souls. Death, is the eventual outcome of all births, and as we know, death is simply a rebirth on another level. Panic is not called for; we are simply living in the end times of another civilization. Because it has become truly a Global Village, we are much more aware of what is happening than in the past, which means that the general populace is privy to much more “News” than even twenty years ago. I am not sure I would want to survive, at my age, to greet a “Brave New World” where living simply is a must, with no medical services, no system of care for the elderly nor any of the modern conveniences that make life easier as we age. I believe that is the job of the young. There will certainly be survivors to repopulate the world and start the cycle once more. It would be hoped that these survivors would be much more spiritually aware than past generations. Perhaps our responsibility lies in trying to make for a more enlightened populace. People are definitely searching for answers, for a better way, for connection with the Divine, the Creator, the Cosmic All. That is why so many Eastern Religions have taken hold in the West, among them Buddhism, Baha’i, Hare Krishna, Transcendentalism, Wicca, Native Medicine, Spiritualism, and any number of fakes allying themselves with the New Age movement. I see our role as one of bringing light to the dark recesses of the human condition, in all possible ways.
Hurricane AftermathCurrent hurricanes and events discussed recently in a news group sent my mind back over the past few years. As I looked back, tears filled my eyes and dread still fills my heart. This article has not lost it's meaning. In fact, the situation becomes more urgent every day. We all must do all we can to curb the current trends.
January 14 Such a Long TimeIt has been such a long time since I was here... before all the changes. It sure looks different now.
Between illness and commitments, I have only been able to keep my blog at Blogger.com up to date. You can find it at http://thetimewarp.blogspot.com. Over the next few days, I will attempt to bring this blog up to date, and keep it as up to date as I am able.
Thank you all for your interest and patience.
January 29 Testicular Cancer-The Silent KillerSo many things I never expected to write about.............................. After I wrote the article about men’s cancers, friends shared more information with me, particularly the male point of view, and I would like to incorporate some of this new information here. When I was young, the word breast was not to be said aloud, let alone breast cancer. By the time everyone knew someone who had it, the words had lost the stigma and could be said out loud, and even in mixed company. Lives are being saved every day because we can talk about it. Now men are in the same situation we women were. The words prostate and testicle are spoken in whispers only, and to link them with the word cancer is not to be considered. At the time my grandfather passed away from the complications of prostate cancer at the age of 87, I did not even know what a prostate was. Lives are being lost because of it. I heard about a man who noticed swelling in one of his legs and went to the doctor. Tests were not good but the man did nothing about it. Finally he went to a urologist, but too late. Six weeks later he passed away from prostate cancer that could have been spotted and treated and perhaps this man did not need to lose his life. I don’t believe doctors are as aggressive in educating their patients or ordering test as they could be, nor are they as informed of current methods as they should be. Men who do go for surgery often have more invasive surgery than necessary because of not being informed of the alternatives. As always, the ultimate responsibility for our health rests with us and we must be in the front line as far as educating our families and ourselves. A very few years ago, a young friend was shoeing his horse when she kicked him in the groin, damaging one testicle to the point that it had to be removed. As is common practice, it was sent for biopsy. The report came back positive for cancer, the silent type where there is no indication that something is wrong until far too late. The only way it could have been detected was by blood tests, which would have shown elevated hormone levels. All of the cancerous tissue had been removed so he opted for follow up blood tests rather than invasive preventative treatment. He was still clear after five years and has since married and has a young son. Another success story that I have permission to share here is another example of serendipity (for lack of a more universally acceptable word) taking a hand. A young man, not much older than my friend, with a passion for hunting and a hunting dog that was his constant companion, suddenly had to lock the dog away from his presence. The dog would not stop burying his muzzle in the man’s crotch, something he had never done before but would not be deterred if in the same room. When locked away, he constantly howled and whined, wanting to be with the man and then unable to stop sniffing at the man’s crotch. This was very strange behavior and there was no evident reason for it. Before any decision could be made as to what to do about the dog, the man had an accident where he did the splits, big time, and ended up having to go to a doctor when his testicle swelled up. The family doctor sent him to a urologist who found something he did not like on an ultrasound image. Immediate surgery showed testicular cancer tumors, which were removed successfully. Like so many people, this man had never even heard of testicular cancer until it touched his life so dramatically. After surgery, the man’s dog no longer had any interest in his crotch. The dog had smelled the cancer and tried to warn his human companion. As an aside, I have heard other stories of animals saving lives and warning of such things as cancer, seizures, and other medical conditions, We have barely tapped the surface of what these animals can know and can do for us if we are able to understand them. Animals are incredible and their love for us knows no bounds. I believe that if we do not ache for them when they leave us, we have not properly appreciated their gift to us and we do not deserve such gifts. Makes the crying easier, and I think I am right in that anyone who has truly loved an animal has seen the humanity in the eyes that look back at us. In order to have more success stories, we must help to do the same for men as we women have done for ourselves…we must desensitize the words so that it is OK to talk about, OK to perform self examinations to spot changes in the early stages, OK to go to the doctor for regular check ups or if there is a suspected problem. As women, wives, mothers, sisters, daughters… we need to help make men’s cancers as freely discussed as breast, cervical, ovary and uterine cancer. We can help save lives that way. Men are beginning to talk; boys are beginning to receive health education in school, including reproductive systems and cancer potential. It is not enough. Boys still squirm, blush and shuffle their feet when the reproductive systems are given their proper names. Men still feel guilt when they contemplate self-examination, left over from boys having it drilled into them that they must not play with themselves. We women are our own worst enemies. Women raised those poor husbands out there. Why we don't raise our sons with the values necessary to become good husbands and fathers, I truly don't know. We don't make sure they are taught to do self-examinations and we don't teach them the risks inherent in being male. We are not well enough informed ourselves, as shown by the many sides to the circumcision issue. Maybe we think that is the father's job, but since women also raised him, he doesn't know either.
We somehow teach our daughters how to look after themselves medically, (or at least we allow schools to do so), what to expect from a husband, how to be the best mothers we know how to be.... Ultimately it comes down to the fact that children are much more resilient and much more hardy than we give them credit for. By the time we learn how to parent, the child is grown and on his/her own, and miracle of miracles, they somehow managed to grow up to be good adults in spite of our blunders.
I wish there was a guide for men to hang on the shower at home like the one that walks women through breast self examination. I wish there was a campaign for men like the pink ribbon campaign for women. I wish there was a screening program for high-risk men. I certainly wish there was information available as to what makes men high risk.
My SisterFor the first nine years of life I did not have a sister. I didn't know I needed one! Then you came along, all pink, spun gold and blue eyed,
and suddenly I had a sister! You made me laugh, you made me cry, you even bit me,
and made me carry you when you got tired. You kept growing and even after I left home
I still had a sister! You came to visit me and I loved to show you around
and show you off, my sister! I moved to the other side of the country and went home
to visit my sister! For years I lost my sister, I didn't have a sister.
I knew I needed one! Then, when I was at death's door, my daughter took it on herself
to bring me back my sister! Finally, looking at the cards and gifts she sent me,
signed with love from my sister. Seeing the ornaments that decorate each gift, like we used to do,
again I have my sister. The Emotional PillarOf the four pillars supporting the platform of our lives, the emotional seems to be the most difficult to bring into balance. As children, we are taught to deny so much of the emotional experience that we grow up believing that strength is being able to suppress any emotion that makes others uncomfortable. Instead of accepting our selves with all our moods and feelings, we learn to suppress anger, fear, sadness, pain ……….and put a brave face on for the world to see.
We deny ourselves the tears that heal our pain in favor of denying that we feel it at all. We deny our natural fears until they become so large that we fear anything new and cannot communicate it. We deny our anger until it becomes turned inward on ourselves, causing real physical damage to our bodies. We deny our pain until it becomes the central force of our lives and we deny our sadness to the point that we can no longer feel joy.
As bad as it is for women, it is even harder for men. From the time they are small boys, they are taught to “suck it up” and take it like a man. With no acceptable outlet for fear and sadness and even anger, many men become so conflicted that they actually become violent, which was more acceptable in our society than tears or sadness. Then when they enter into an adult relationship with a woman, they are unable to express the tender feelings they have almost forgotten to even recognize. They are left with rage and violence as their only acceptable outlet. Not a very satisfactory relationship for either the man or the woman, who is at least partly in touch with her feelings. Isn’t it ironic that we as mothers, raise sons to be such conflicted partners!
It is also far too easy to blame others or life in general for our woes. It is a thing I have observed with some “self help” groups. They take things to the point of identifying the probable cause of some emotional problem, then stop there, blaming their current problems on past experiences and absolving themselves of any responsibility for their lives or the events in them. This stops emotional growth in its tracks and robs one of the chance to deal with the fears and the pain and work through it to become a more complete and happier human being.
Many years ago, I learned that the best way for me to deal with a heart break was to find a quiet, private place, preferably near running water and let the tears flow. If I allowed myself to experience the whole spectrum of emotions that come with loss, loss of a loved one, loss of a freedom, loss of health, in short, any traumatic loss, the tears would flow freely, bathing my heart and soul with their healing power.
Afterward, I would be emotionally exhausted, wrung out to the point that there were no more tears to shed. However, I would no longer be caught unaware and have to shove the pain and tears down inside where they would grow and become even more unbearable. I would be able to go on with the daily process of living while healing began. Sometimes healing took a long time and sometimes not so long at all, but without the release of the grief of loss, the healing could not begin. Alternatively, if I forced the pain back inside and hid it even from myself, it would grow and fester and come to the surface in unbearable waves, each one worse than the last and always at the most importune moment.
Recently, I have had occasion to deal with others who are going through terrible times in their lives. They tried to get by with denying any release of the emotions, forcing the pain and tears down deep inside and pretending there is nothing wrong. Any time they have found it unbearable, and tears spilled out, they would work so hard to deny the pain and tears that they became numb inside, unable to feel either pain or pleasure in their lives.
We are taught that crying is a weakness and is to be avoided at all cost. This denies the release and healing that comes with allowing ourselves to work through our feelings and shed the tears that heal. It is all a part of the process of claiming our lives and our selves, being responsible for our own actions and the results of them. It is a way to allow ourselves to heal emotionally and bring the emotional pillar more into line with the other three.
The Importance of Play
Somewhere along the way we have forgotten the importance of play, laughter and joy. We forgot to see the humorous side of life, the silver linings, the stolen moments, Instead, we see the negative, the clouds, the lost time., the plans gone awry.
Without joy, life becomes a chore, something to be endured instead of something to be reveled in. When was the last time you took a mental health day, gave yourself permission to run away and keep going until the peanut butter sandwiches run out?
When my daughter was young, even though I worked full time, we would take run away days and go for a drive, or to a fast food joint or walk on the beach. Whenever possible, she would meet me for lunch and we would go to a grown-up restaurant. One of my fondest memories is taking a roll of caps for a cap gun and a hammer and sitting on the walkway, exploding them one at a time.
Because she grew up with the idea that it was OK to play to fritter away time, she is still able to do so. It has caused her a couple of embarrassing moments, like playing in the sand pile with her dinky car collection when a car drove u0p her driveway looking for directions. But even those memories are treasures.
We still pack a picnic, a cooler and go to the end of the driveway and pick a direction. It is surprising how many wonderful places you can find that way. Sometimes we stop at all the yard sales, sometimes the discount stores, sometimes the zoo and sometime a grocery store and a picnic park. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is the playing together.
Our approach to life and the use of time can often mean the difference between a harried, driven workaholic and a well-adjusted, productive individual. Playing exercises the body, mind and spirit. Don’t forget to play and when plans go awry through no fault of your own, remember that it can mean lost time or stolen moments, the choice is yours. July 16 The ThresholdShe stood on the threshold of greater knowledge But could not open the door. Her fear that growth would set her apart Outweighed her need to know. Hesitantly, she took a step backward To find only madness there. Back again on the threshold she stood, Uncertainty keeping her there. Standing there, her need to know Grows greater with each passing day. Until, on some tomorrow morning She will open the door and find a way.
July 12 The CaretakerThe Caretaker
The body is the temple of the soul, the ego is the caretaker of the temple. The ego, poorly trained for the job, believes he is the owner of the property, and in the absence of the true owner, uses and abuses his trust. But he can not really be held accountable because of his immaturity and incomplete training for the job.
Like a child, he must be corrected gently, but firmly, and properly taught his duties. Sometimes, like a hyperactive and wayward child, he is unwilling to accept authority, and relinquish his faulty conception of his role.
Anger and self-pity are the tools he uses to block out his master’s voice and avoid hearing the truth. Like a child, his fear of the unknown can slow his progress.
I can’t help but feel that children who are born angry are at this particular stage of soul development. The ego’s false sense of importance is the cause of much human woe. Lose it and one becomes invulnerable.
July 11 Another DimensionUntouched but not unaware, I walk through the throngs of shoppers. Unreal but not unanimated, They move through the halls and shops. There but not there, I seemed the only reality in a cartoon land. Alone but not truly apart I strolled through the world of every day. Suspended AnimationThe way it was is perhaps the way it will be. The way it is, is different, altogether From anything ever experienced before. Caught up in suspended animation, Afraid to breathe, lest I be disturbed, Desiring to know the future, Desiring not to know the future, Caught between yesterday and tomorrow Wishing to remain here always, Oblivious to both July 09 To cover or Not To CoverAnother subject that I had not planned on writing about.........................my trach (tracheotomy, trach tube, stoma) all words that 4 months ago were not part of my vocabulary in any way, but are now daily words.
If you are not curious about the subject, please feel free to skip this post completely.
Initially, whenever I went out, I covered it with a scarf so that others would not have to feel embarrassed by staring or trying not to stare but being compelled to look and look again. At home, I did not cover. In general, I have found children to have no problem with it. They ask what happened to my neck, I explain that it is called a trach,
and that it helps me breathe, particularly at night. They say Oh, think for a moment then want to go play with Paco. Don't you love the honesty and simplicity of children. If only we could preserve that pure
innocence into adulthood, I believe we would not need to spend a lifetime seeking answers. Adults, on the other hand do not deal well with anything that is outside their scope of experience.
After the last trach change a week ago Friday, I decided not to continue to cover it for the benefit of strangers, particularly since it is so hot and humid this season. The scarf was just one more thing to be uncomfortable. My daughter and I had recently taken two of the soft ties that are over half an inch wide and painted vines and flowers
on them. I had planned on wearing them when visiting with my grand-daughters by choice. Instead, I took one with me when I went for the exchange. The respiratory techs thought it was a great idea and they used one of the painted ties instead of the plain narrow cotton ribbon, normally used. I put the scarf back in my purse and walked out to meet the world, neck exposed for all to see.
It did not take long to see the results. While I was standing outside a store, a woman nearly ran over another woman with her car, she was so busy "not" looking at my neck that she forgot to look where she was going. All the rest of the time in town, people were staring and trying
to pretend they weren't. I would have been happy to answer any questions that anyone had. No one asked.
This is small town and most have never seen a trach tube before. To be fair, many who know me in person and many who only know me on the internet have asked questions and I have been more than happy to answer. Still others, I am sure, have questions that they are afraid to ask in case it hurts my feelings or embarrasses me. So here goes my very own version of FAQ.
The appliance consists of a right angle tube with a base plate near the end that sticks out of my neck, an inner tube that follows the same curve as the outer tube, a "cork" which looks a bit like a bottle cap and fits over the end of the tubes, and two slots in the base plate to feed the ends of a tie through. The tie goes around the neck and prevents the tube from coming out accidentally, as well as prevents me from removing it in my sleep.
The hole in my neck is called a stoma and if the tube were removed, would probably heal over within a very few days. In my case, the trach is permanent as I suffer from sleep apnea caused by nerve damage to my throat and the trach prevents me from stopping breathing in the night.
It is nice to wake up in the morning feeling rested and with some color in my face. The sleep apnea was not the reason for the trach in the first place, but is a very good side effect of having it.
Yes, I can talk. There are holes in the bend of the tubes which allow air to flow over my vocal cords and I can speak normally with the cork on the outside of the tube. If the cork is not there, I can make very good obscene phone calls as I run out of air rather quickly, but can
still talk.
The modern trach tubes are plastic and are replaced every 4 to 6 weeks. It has taken a few tries to find the most effective and most comfortable brand and style, but I think we have been successful. The regular replacement reduces the chances of infection and allows the doctors to catch any problems in their infancy.
Maintenance is simple and is done twice a day. It consists of cleaning the area and replacing the ties if necessary.
It takes a bit of getting used to as it can be uncomfortable but is not actually painful. The trach does not bother me a bit but I am not really thrilled with having a hole in my neck. Strange what will bother one and not another.
It is hard getting used to sleeping with it as I tend to block it in my sleep, then wake up with a start. That is getting better now, but I still have to contend with the cool mist humidifier and the electrostatic air cleaner running all the time and if it is really hot, a fan too. Those nights, I sleep in the morning when things have cooled down some.
The only other thing is to remember to go to the Emergency dept. of the local hospital before I am in serious difficulty breathing. So far so good.
If there are any other questions, please ask as I do not mind answering at all. June 27 TearsTears, in rivers, bathe my soul. Pain, as fire, the purifying source. By fire and water, I must learn. My inner growth is paid for The tutor’s work, well done. SunbeamA sunbeam caught in a spider’s web Struggling to be free, Dashing back and forth along reach strand, The sunbeam and me. One last shimmering dash And the sunbeam is free. Could I but ride the sunbeam …… I’ll learn. … … The CabooseWhen I was growing up, there were still trains in the rural areas, hauling logs, produce, kids to and from summer camp, and other things, unknown. I used to watch and wonder.
I began to see the train of life, birth in the caboose, the oldest generation, the engineers at the front. The cars in between held the middle generations . Progress through the cars, engineers retiring and passing on, was slow but steady. The distance between me and the engineer, I never really noticed, just moved up a car whenever… until I found myself standing right behind the engineer. Suddenly the enormity of the task ahead made me wish with all my heart that I had paid more attention. Now, as the engineer, the head of this particular train, I have so many questions, with experience bringing the only answers. I pray that I do the job well, leaving the world a wee bit better for my having passed through it. June 17 Panic
Standing on the brink of panic, Self induced. The feeling builds within me, Unrelieved. I ponder the reason for my racing heart, Answerless. Am I at war within myself? Unknown. I seem to be spinning out of control, Unbalanced. I’ve lost the harmony between my selves, Temporarily. I need to stop and think it through, Immediately. Restore my perspective and re-establish Reality. Looking WithinIf you could look within yourself You would find the answer To every question you have ever asked And more, much more.
If you could be so quiet You could hear your toenails grow, The knowledge of the universe Is there for you to know.
Your inner self is but a part Of all that is and was And ever will be. You are IT, could you but see.
Turn you eyes and ears inward, Look within your soul, listen to your heart, Recognize your rightful place In a Universe of love.
Peace Profound
My life of pain is written In the tears upon my face. My capacity for joy is written In the depth behind my eyes.
Understanding is reflected In the timbre of my voice. Peace Profound is waiting In a chamber in my heart.
The events of each day Form the path I must take To reach the chamber Holding ultimate bliss,
And gladly I walk Through the refining fire, To reach such an ultimate goal.
June 15 Revisited 4Stray Thoughts
Castor Isle I’d like to live on Castor Isle Without a care in the world. I’d like to live just long enough, And not a moment more. I’d like to live inside myself To follow on the path.
Death is like leaving the theater in the middle of the movie due to prior commitments. You don’t know how the movie ends, but what you have to do won’t wait.
FEAR is a muscle that needs to be exercised. I wonder!!!
TIME - a concept, a way to measure the "nows" that have gone before or are yet to come. Does it really exist?
The Key She stands before the door, the key in her hand, rummaging through her pockets for the key, and to top it all off, the door’s not locked. Revisited 3Passages In a short period, six people for whom I cared a great deal, have passed through transition. It seems to be a truth that the older we become, the more funerals and fewer baby showers we attend. We take for granted the family connections, from the generations ahead, through us to the generations behind, with offshoots for siblings, cousins and such. When all the generations ahead have moved on and the side shoots have uncoupled, you are left at the head of the line, feeling very disconnected. I’m not sure how I feel about that, There seems to have been a form of security in being part of a chain, which is definitely not there when you suddenly become the "Older Generation", right up there at the front of the line. Another thing I wish is that when I pass on I could somehow come back and tidy up the loose ends, do the paperwork, make the phone calls, allocate the accumulated physical trappings, make the required arrangements to spare those I love from this hardest of pains. But, perhaps that isn’t the way it is supposed to be. Maybe doing these things allows us to adjust more quickly to the fact that the loved one is no longer in our physical sphere. It may also facilitate contact across the divide by putting the sufferer in a receptive frame of mind. I wish I had some more answers than just "What is, is and in the grand scheme of things it is OK."
Revisited 2The Caretaker The body is the temple of the soul, the ego is the caretaker of the temple. The ego, poorly trained for the job, believes he is the owner of the property, and in the absence of the true owner, uses and abuses his trust. But he can not really be held accountable because of his immaturity and incomplete training for the job. Like a child, he must be corrected gently, but firmly, and properly taught his duties. Sometimes, like a hyperactive and wayward child, he is unwilling to accept authority, and relinquish his faulty conception of his role. Anger and self-pity are the tools he uses to block out his master’s voice and avoid hearing the truth. Like a child, his fear of the unknown can slow his progress. I can’t help but feel that children who are born angry are at this particular stage of soul development. The ego’s false sense of importance is the cause of much human woe. Lose it and one becomes invulnerable. Revisited 1Some things that have happened recently have sent me back to my old journals and much of what I wrote years ago still holds true today. Here are just a couple of items.
The Threshold
She stood on the threshold of greater knowledge But could not open the door. Her fear that growth would set her apart Outweighed her need to know. Hesitantly, she took a step backward To find only madness there. Back again on the threshold she stood, Uncertainty keeping her there. Standing there, her need to know Grows greater with each passing day. Until, on some tomorrow morning She will open the door and find a way. June 07 Fate and Free WillI am reposting a small article I wrote a while ago about fate and free will under the heading "The Path"
We come into this life with a path set before birth. This path is chosen for what we need to learn, what we need to do in this lifetime. This does not mean that The Fates rule our lives. It simply means that we are born with a road map, preserving free choice within that map. June 01 On Living and Dying and Living and Dying and Living AgainTwo weeks ago, I was again on the other side of the mirror, for the third time in as many months. When I was talking with my daughter and told her I was sick and tired of crossing back and forth through the mirror, she reminded me of a conversation we recently had about processes and events. I believe we are born (an event), then we live our lives (a process) until we die (an event). It is certainly possible to look at it in the opposite way, that dying is a process, but if we choose to see it that way, we spend our whole lives from birth in the process of dying instead of the glorious process of living.
The first time I crossed over to the other side, I was 21 years old, in hospital and very, very ill. During a particularly difficult surgery, I found myself watching the procedure from a corner of the operating theater in a very detached manner. After some time, it dawned on me that I had obligations, including a daughter under 6 months old. I also realized that I had a choice as to whether to stay on the other side of the mirror or return here and live out the life I had planned before this birth. If I chose not to return, I would be both avoiding my responsibilities and setting myself up to have to learn the lessons meant for this life, in another down the road. Since that did not appeal to me, I decided to come back and finish what I had started. Once the decision was made, I found myself back in that pain wracked body, coming out of the anesthetic too soon.
Each time I have had the choice, I have ultimately chosen to return and complete the tasks set for this life. This most recent time, someone very close to me reached through the mirror and walked back with me every step of the way. You know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is one of the most selfless acts one can perform, to lend their strength to another.
Death is simply a rebirth on the other side, which ultimately leads to rebirth here once we have reviewed the life just lived and set the course for the next one. Nothing in my experience changes that belief. It would also seem that I still have some unfinished business here in this life. Perhaps it is to share what I know, what I have learned, what I believe and what I suspect.
When we rediscover a truth, the feeling inside is so strong that it leaves no doubt in one’s mind, even if there is no obvious proof to offer. For this reason, if for no other, we must look, listen, read, explore, search, think, whatever we can do to open ourselves to new experiences, new ideas, new thoughts. All truth is within us, just waiting to be rediscovered. We simply need the tools to be able to remember and recognize it.
We each have our own path to follow, our own truths to rediscover, our own Journey and no one can do it for us. We can help each other by holding a mirror and a light, a mirror so others may see their truths reflected in it and a light to illuminate the path at our feet so me may not stumble on small unseen obstacles.
The greatest obstacle is fear. Even though there is nothing to fear, we have been taught to treat the unknown with fear and suspicion. Often, fear of unknown feelings or feelings of not being in control even prevent us from even learning the basic techniques of meditation. In meditation, we stop deliberately generating thought processes or listening to them. This frees the mind, but causes such trepidation in many people that they are unable to allow it to happen. I wish I had a magic bullet that would remove all ungrounded fears, particularly where meditation is concerned. It is the single most useful tool in finding and following our own individual path, finding our center, that calm in the eye of the storm that allows us to reconnect with our spiritual selves and relearn our truths. May 21 BetweenSomewhere between here and there,
now and then, this life and the next,
where nothing is real, everything is real, all is possible and all is now,
in that impossible glowing mist of all and nothing, we met and made an agreement.
I do not know if you can remember consciously, but I know that you know.
I promised to do this one last time
and you promised to not ask it of me again.
You are right, dearest Sister of my Soul, we are not finished this time around,
but I do not know what more there is, as we have danced this dance before,
and will do so again and again. Something new this time was to
find the beautiful, ephemeral spirit
that is the other Sister of my Soul,
twined there with us.
I know I owe a duty to try to finish
helping those I promised to shine my light
in hope of finding the beginning of their path, I also have a book to write, blogs to keep up,
on line groups to participate in and a life to finish properly.
And most of all, I have a family by blood and by choice to love and cherish
and finish my life with. Somewhere there is a beautiful lady
who's tears have bathed my face,
and made a commitment that I am not sure I understand yet.
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The Time WarpMy journey into being |
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